Holes In Walls: Step #1 – Definition & Acknowledgement

Every hole has a story.  That hole didn’t get there on its own.  It didn’t suddenly materialize out of thin air.  It was put there, whether intentionally or unintentionally.  There are three particular holes that are extremely recognizable: the shoe-sized hole, the fist-sized hole, and the doorknob-shaped hole.  Addressing the cause of the doorknob-shaped hole is as easy as getting a bumper installed on the baseboard.  The other two holes, well, addressing the causes of those can be complicated – especially the fist-sized ones.

The stories behind the fist-sized holes are typically more complicated and usually have more moving parts than a Rubik’s Cube.  As a painter, I had to quickly discern whether I needed or even wanted to know the story.  But, there was always a story.

When a hole shows up in your wall, you have three choices: ignore it, cover it up, or fix it.

Ignore It: For this to be an effective solution, you must completely isolate yourself.  Because, as soon as you invite someone over, they’re going to ask about the story behind the hole in your wall.  Once they ask, you can no longer ignore it.

Cover It Up: As versatile as this option may be, it is only a viable solution as long as the item covering it stays put.  A hole forgotten will be remembered the day the covering is removed.  Once removed, the story behind the hole is relived yet again.

Fix It: There is something quite redemptive about this option because once that hole is fixed, you don’t think about it again.  It never comes back to haunt you.  Problem solved.

But right there is the rub.  You can’t have “problem solved” without admitting a problem exists.  I have worked with young adults living in poverty to business owners in multi-million-dollar companies.  If someone is satisfied with the status quo or a quick, temporary “Band-Aid” remedy, they will see no reason to change anything.  I have watched kids choose to stay in poverty because it’s what they know and watched businesses shutter because the owners failed to recognize the real issues.  As long as the problem is easily ignored or covered up satisfactorily, it’s technically not a problem.

When you are working with people, do not skip this step.  It is so tempting to jump in and get to work, but don’t do it.  People have to define their problem and, by doing so, acknowledge they have one.  Deciding what to do afterwards is another step, but the process will ultimately end in failure if it doesn’t start here.

You set everyone up for failure by forcing the issue.  You can point out the holes in the walls over and over and over again, but until the homeowner decides it’s time to address them, the holes are just fine right where they are.  Trying to fix the hole without their consent opens up two potential unintended consequences:

• Complacent Dependency: They become dependent on you to solve their problems.  They become a leech that sucks whatever time and energy you’re willing to give and, the moment you stop agreeing to help/enable them, they go right back to whatever standards they were accustomed to.  You just wasted your time.
• Disillusioned Resentment: It doesn’t get done the way they want or it doesn’t turn out how they expected and they end up resenting you for it.  They believe you’ve wasted their time.

They have to be invested in the process from the very beginning or the odds of failure increase exponentially.  They have to define the issue and acknowledge that it needs to be fixed.  Don’t skip this step and unintentionally create an environment ripe with opportunities for failure.

There is a hole in the wall.  Is it a problem?  Do you want it fixed?  If so, let’s move on to the next step.  It’s time to introduce ourselves and be validated…